Asking - A Skill Worth Knowing

There's every kind of asking and knowing. When creating a home or embarking on a make-over, there's much we already know and perhaps more we don't. What we think we know gives us some sense of comfort; like I've done this before, and therefore, I know how to proceed. Then there's the "I have no clue and what little I do know is of little use". Where to start?

Asking is a skill worth developing for creating your home, not to mention, for all of life. When you're on the way to creating a new space or making the existing one better yet, asking for help is imperative! Some of us feel we know it all. We're a dangerous lot. We're the ones that get in trouble and then wonder why. Then there's the group that thinks we don't know anything and go about asking everyone about every detail. This variation on the theme is equally dangerous. The goal is not to exhaust our resources but rather to use them wisely. So what's the way to asking how, who and what?

Start at the end with the what question. I know it's counter intuitive. What is the end? The end is the BIG Picture. The end result is the dream realized. What does that look like? How does it act? How does it serve? Draw the picture in your mind's eye; see it, feel it, wake up in your picture. Take an imaginary walk around the yard, the neighborhood, to the village, into the woods, check out the views. What does it feel like? Are you comfortable with it and within it?

If not, now is the time to change the picture. It's easier to make changes now than after the walls are moved or newly erected. Pulling magazine pictures, and writing about the emotional feelings of being within your imagined space is one of the hows. Taking photos of homes that look like your vision is another one. Creating your concept, your idea, your dream is where you check it out, flush it out, keep and discard with ease. By starting to name your vision, you're on your way to creating it. Is it a cape, a southwest stucco, a chateau or in my vision, a cottage?

My friends thought I had lost my mind when they took a first look at my soon to be new home. Well, perhaps I had. The part they were having trouble with was seeing me in a house that didn't look anything they had known me to live in before. True. I hadn't seen anything quite like this either, except I had an idea. I had no problem with this new right-sized cottage. Gratefully, when I showed my soon to be new house to my designer friends they were gracious enough to say nothing.....neither, what are you thinking nor, have you lost your mind?

Here comes the piece about asking others for help. I spent two days this week in a corporate seminar with high-powered business women and saw first hand just how difficult it is to ASK. Asking has a reputation; to some it signals incompetence inadequacy, stupidity. For others, not knowing equals failure, not a success, less than perfect. Asking requires vulnerability and the ability to say "I don't know". Actually, not knowing is a strength. New doors get opened. Collaboration has an opportunity to walk in. An opportunity to rearrange the molecules appears and learning and exploring have room to play together. The tightly held, preconceived notion of having all the answers is both exhausting and a missed opportunity.

It was clear I needed help. Getting help does not mean I had no ideas or opinions. It just meant I was open to more and different solutions than my doing it alone would bring.

I turned finding help into a game where every name lead to another and where every questions lead to an answer or another question. My intention seemed straight forward: sell my house and buy a new one. I asked around for recommendations for a real estate agent. Checking with a friend, in the commercial end of the business, I got two recommendations for agents on the residential side of the business. My question to him was; why do you think these two candidates are the best choices? My idea was to have a professional's opinion from someone who had co-brokered sales with residential agents. It was a kind of insider's view of how tit worked between the agents and the professional viewpoint of another professional. It worked out great!

The financing got more complicated. My barn-home was sold but with a long closing date, i.e., I had a sale but insufficient funds. I found the cottage I wanted to buy. What I now needed and came to know, was a bridge loan. The agent on the selling side of my soon to be cottage keep talking about her great financial connection. Having tried my resources for a quick (not quick) solution, I thought, why not, it's just a phone call. The "bridge" got built in record time and we closed within the seller's requested time frame...nearly instantly!

While we were closing on my house, I started looking for doctors to help cure and redesign some of it's problems. It's now July and I'm moving. There is no air conditioning in the cottage. Neither I, nor do contractors, do well in 90 degree humidity and never ending rain. So off I go to buy a couple of air conditioners and what do I also come away with? A painter. But, of course. The sales woman's husband is a painter and a great one at that. Guess who had time for my interior job while his outside work sat in the rain?

During this time of needing help, my advice is talk to everyone. Chat about the weather and find a painter. Chat with your seller about who did the electrical repairs in record time for the record-time closing. Keep asking, keep listening, keep talking about your project. And in this scenario, here comes my soon to be electrical guy and his friend and collaborator on many projects... my soon to be contractor.

Yes, I spoke with a total of three contractors. It's called doing the due diligence. There are things to know and to explore. How does this person approach the work? How do your personalities blend? What do you perceive to be his/her work ethic? How is it feeling as you go along in the process of discovery? What does the back of his truck look like? Visit his projects. Allow him to present his process. In this case, be quiet and listen loud.

And finally, what will your project cost and how did he arrive at these costs? Did you notice cost came last on the list? This, in my opinion, is appropriate. If all the other things don't line-up, the cost is immaterial. Shopping for a contractor solely on cost won't get you want you really want for your project. In reality, you are shopping for a relationship; the relationship that works for all sides. Remember everything is negotiable. This is not an invitation to beat 'em down. We're into win/win here. Consider the considerations with the contractor (and designer/architect, if there is one). What are the options on how to get to your budget? Do we want or need to do the work in stages? Are there materials choices to consider that could lower the cost or lower future maintenance? Do we need to rethink our needs, decide to do some of the work ourselves? Do we need to further clarify our want list from our 'can't live without' list? Bottom line; talk it through, explore the options, discuss them, get creative! And remember: the first answer is never the last answer...until it is.

Here's my recipe for creating change

-Be quiet. Share nothing until your ideas have settled within
-Try on the options, it's like shopping for a new outfit.
-Walk around acting as if
-Do nothing about "it".
-Keep on, keeping on until you know, just plain know, that what you're about to ask for, or to create, is the way you see it, dream it, want it.
-Then, and only then, start to share your vision.
-Be open to other ideas, weigh them in with your vision.
-Do these new ideas make yours even better? Great! you've just moved into collaboration.

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